Nurturing Resilience: Embracing Your Child's Uncomfortable Emotions

Sometimes It's OK If Your Child Is Not OK

In my work with children and teens, I have noticed a low tolerance for uncomfortable or difficult emotions.  Many of my child-clients believe that it is “bad” to feel bored, sad, frustrated, or anxious.  Their desire is to avoid those emotions at all costs.  It made me wonder about the messages they are receiving about emotions. There are so many distractions geared towards avoiding uncomfortable feelings and promoting being “happy”.   In this post I will talk about why it is important to allow our children to experience a range of emotions.

It is natural to want to shield our children from discomfort.

 When a child is upset, parents often experience distress themselves.  They are instinctively motivated to solve the problem, or to offer comfort.  There are times however when allowing the child to navigate the challenge on their own can be beneficial.  Parents can offer support without rescuing.

Emotions provide information.

The thoughts, feelings, and body sensations that we have in any given situation give us information about what we like (and want more of), or what we do not like (and want to be different).  Noticing and acknowledging the emotion enhances emotional intelligence.  Realizing that we can get through an unpleasant experience strengthens resilience. Developing solutions to problems increases our sense of competence. All this helps us to internalize a positive self-concept and a belief in our ability to handle challenges.

Natural consequences can be a powerful teacher.

A natural consequence occurs as a result of an action.  It is not imposed by anyone.  For example, if you go outside without a coat when it is cold, you will feel cold.  Contrast this to a logical consequence that may be imposed by a parent.  For example, if the rules for device usage are not followed, then the child loses access to the device for a period of time.  Natural consequences offer the opportunity for growth.   A teen who did not study for a test may find that they do not know the answers, and so receive a low grade.  This lesson occurs during the natural course of events.

 Parents sometimes find it difficult to allow natural consequences to play out.

There is not an exact formula to decide when to protect your child from natural consequences and when to allow them to experience the opportunity to learn.  Of course, if there is a safety issue then the parent must take action to keep the child safe.  Developmental age should also be considered. An elementary aged child, for example, will need more assistance to plan and organize a school project than a teenager will. Think of the long-term character traits and values that you want your child to develop.  Contrast this with the short-term discomfort that may result from allowing a natural consequence to occur.  I wish to rephrase the notion of “allowing our child to fail” to “allowing our child to learn”. 

Tips for supporting without rescuing:

Be aware of your own tolerance for uncomfortable emotions – A child’s difficult emotions can stir up various thoughts and feelings in a parent.  It may remind you of a difficult time in your own childhood.  Some parents will even question their effectiveness as a parent.  This can cause the parent to rush too quickly to fix the problem, rather than provide support and allow the child to find a solution.

• Engage in active listening – Sometimes all a child needs is to know that someone cares and understands what they are going through.  Allow the child to express their feelings without immediately offering solutions.  Validate feelings expressed.

• Normalize having uncomfortable feelings – Children need to know that it is normal to experience a range of emotions.  It is their system’s way of giving them information about their inner world as well as the environment they are in.  Tell them that, like a wave, feelings rise and fall.

• Teach problem solving skills – When appropriate, get the child’s thoughts on how to solve the problem.  Offer guidance and support.  Demonstrate your confidence in their ability by allowing age-appropriate autonomy to try their ideas.  Normalize making mistakes and learning from those mistakes.

• Model and teach healthy coping skills – Let your child see how you handle difficult emotions. Verbalize feelings as well as your plan to deal with the situation.   It can be helpful for them to hear stories about how you handled a similar situation in the past.  Deep breathing, mindfulness, and physical activity are helpful to improve emotional regulation. 

The instinct to protect our children from pain is understandable, however allowing them to navigate challenges independently builds resilience, confidence, and a positive self-concept.  Parents can offer support and encouragement, while allowing the child to develop life-long skills.   Remember, sometimes it's okay if your child is not okay; it's in those moments that they discover their own strength and resilience.

A Parent’s Guide to Giving Effective Instructions

Do you sometimes think…”my child doesn’t listen to me unless I am yelling!”. 

Here is a common communication pattern. The parent asks the child to do something, or to stop doing something. When there is no compliance, the command is repeated several times, with the parent’s frustration building. The yelling signals “the final straw”. What if I told you parents can inadvertently teach their child to comply only when there is yelling? The raised voice of the parent is the child’s cue that now their parent is “serious”.

The way a command is communicated impacts the likelihood of compliance.

  Let’s be clear.  The strategies below do not guarantee that your child will respond in the way you would like every time.  What happens overtime however, is a shift in communication patterns and an increase in peaceful interactions.  

Tips for giving effective commands

1. Adjust expectations to meet your child where they are in that moment.

Before giving instructions, ask yourself is…”is my child able to process the instructions at this time?”.  If your child is having big emotions, for example, then their brain may not be available to make sense of what is being said. A child’s ability to comply with instructions is also influenced by the state of their nervous system.  Are they tired, hungry, or not feeling well? Are they distracted? Are the instructions too complex for their developmental stage?

2. Ensure you have the child’s full attention.

Here is a typical scene. The parent is in the kitchen preparing dinner and the child is in another room watching television.  The parent shouts, “time to start homework!” and the child responds “Ok!”. Thirty minutes later the parent checks on the child and finds them still in front of the television. This sets the stage for another homework battle.  Here is what to do instead.  Pause the task you are doing and walk over to the child.  Get their full attention. This means they also pause what they are doing.  Sometimes a gently touch on the shoulder, or sitting next to them may be helpful.  Give the instructions and ask the child to repeat what was heard. 

3. Don’t give too many instructions at once.

When there are multiple tasks to be done, limit the number that is given each time.  Give your child a few seconds to process the instructions and then check for understanding.  Wait until the first set of tasks are completed before giving the next ones. The ability to hold things in memory varies based on developmental stage and other factors. Younger children, and those who are neurodivergent, may only be able to handle one command at a time.

4. Create a chore list.

The benefits of using chore list are many! The list may be with words (for children who can read) or pictures (for younger children).  The list helps to maintain consistency, clarifies expectations, and can give the child some autonomy to choose the order in which to complete their tasks.  In addition, having written instructions reduces the need for ongoing conversations when tone and body language may interfere with the message.

5. Don’t imply the child has a choice if they do not.

Sometimes parents are confused, or upset, when the question “Are you ready to clean up now?” is met with a resounding “No!”.  If you are in fact gauging the child’s readiness, then this question is perfect.  If, however, you actually mean it is time to cleanup, then making a direct, clear, and concise statement is more effective.  For example, “It is time to put the toys away now” or “In 10 minutes it will be time to get ready for bed”.  Of course, tone and body language are very important. A calm firm tone is recommended.

6. Be prepared to follow through.

Let’s face it, our children are not as motivated as we are to pick up their toys, clean their rooms, or take out the trash.  To avoid teaching your child that the instruction is optional, be prepared to follow through on seeing the action completed. Children know that parents may forget and so they simply wait it out. You may say to your child “I will check back in 10 minutes” and set a timer for yourself to follow up.

In Summary…

Developing the art of giving effective commands is important to improve compliance, and maintain a peaceful family environment. By incorporating clear communication, positive language, and developmentally appropriate instructions, you can create an environment where your child understands expectations and cooperates willingly. Giving effective commands not only guide behavior but also foster a positive parent-child relationship.

Unlocking the Power of Connection: A Guide to 'Special Time' with Your Child

In my work as a child therapist and parent coach, I get questions daily about how to help a child be more…

… cooperative

… resilient

… confident

… emotionally regulated

… motivated

… socially competent

…

The parent-child relationship is crucial.

Each circumstance is different. The parents and children involved have their unique experiences. The common thread, however, is the relationship.  A safe, supportive parent-child relationship is essential to improving your child’s emotional wellbeing and cooperation.  A strong sense of connection with important adults helps a child to develop a positive sense of self.  They internalize beliefs of being valued and being significant. This leads to more self-confidence, cooperation, social competence, and a host of other benefits.  Establishing a consistent, intentional time to strengthen the parent-child bond is what “special time” is all about.

What is “Special Time”?

Simply put, “special time” refers to time set aside to connect with your child.  For younger children (3-9 years old) it is sometimes called “special play time”.  Play is the primary “language” of young children. This designated time, just for them, provides the opportunity for the child to communicate their thoughts and feelings in a way that is natural to them. For older children and teenagers, this time of connection is still important, but it will look different.  Note that this time does not replace the time you currently have for family connection such as family game night or other activities.

Tips for establishing “Special Time”

 Do …

• Schedule a weekly time slot of about 20 – 30 minutes.

• Select a day and time when the child is most likely to be available for engagement with you.

• Label this time to make it even more special for the child.  For example, “Billy’s Time”.

• Declare the start and end of this special time.  Give a 5-minute warning before ending.

• Set aside a space away from distractions and with select toys (for younger children).

• Be fully present and plan ahead so you can eliminate interruptions.

• Let the child lead the play, conversation, or activity.  Join the child in their world.

• Engage in active listening and observing.  Reflect to the child what you see and hear.

• Set limits only when needed for safety.

Don’t …

• Correct what the child is doing.  This stifles creativity and self-expression.

• Use the time as an opportunity to teach. This takes the lead from the child and puts the parent in charge.

• Set unnecessary limits.  Structure the environment to allow the child expressive freedom.

• Use the special time as reward or eliminate it as punishment. 

• Answer phone calls or tend to other things.  This time is exclusively for the child.

Tips for Connecting with Older Children and Teens:

“Special time” can be modified to meet the connection needs of older children and teens.  Play may be more structured, for example board games or video games.  Instead of playing, it may be conversations about whatever they choose.  The premise is the same.  Join them where they are and let them lead the way. 

• Engage in a shared hobby or interest. For example, prepare a meal or work on a fun project together.

• Use time spent driving to/from activities. At least once per week, plan to turn off devices and talk.

• Expand bedtime routine to include time for connection.

• Offer to sit with them while they play a game or engage in something that interests them.  Be curious and open to learning from them.

Let teens know you are open to communicating anytime they need to.

Teens are sometimes reluctant to have regular engagement with parents, however they find comfort in knowing that they can when they need to.

Finding ways to strengthen the relationship with your child at various stages of development is important for their success.  It is also essential to building strong, resilient, and cooperative parent-child relationships.  Within the context of significant relationships, the child learns how to see themselves as valued, significant, and capable.   

The Special Role of Parents with Anxious Children (Part 3 of 4)

Throughout this series on childhood anxiety, I have discussed ways in which parents can support their child to successfully cope with anxiety.  In this post, I will delve deeper into the special role that parents play.  As mentioned in part 1, a parent’s instinct is to protect and comfort their child.  The child also instinctively looks to the parent for comfort and protection.  This works well unless you are dealing with an anxiety problem or disorder.

Why does the parent’s response matter?

Consider the toddler who stumbles and falls while learning to walk.  That toddler will look to a trusted adult to determine the severity of the incident.  If they are briefly comforted and encouraged to keep trying, they will do just that.  If, however, the adult expresses distress the child’s distress will also increase.  They may be hesitant to continue with this important developmental task.  A parent’s response to an anxious child has a similar effect.

The Temporary Solution

Anxiety often involves avoidance of the thing that increases discomfort. For example, a child may refuse to go to a room in the house unless accompanied by someone. Some children become upset if left to fall asleep on their own. Others may refuse to go to school due to increased stress. The discomfort experienced by the child may be expressed by whining, somatic complaints (stomach aches, headaches), or tantrums.  All of this is upsetting for a parent who wants to see their child calm and happy.  The parent may reassure, cajole, bargain, and/or make accommodations to reduce the distress.  These actions will temporarily soothe the child; however, they also serve to reinforce the anxiety.  Take the example of the child who refuses to go to another room unless accompanied by someone.  To calm the child, someone accommodates their request and goes with them.  What is reinforced is that there is a reason to be anxious and the solution is to have someone with them.  Each time an attempt is made to not accommodate the request, the child’s anxiety will increase, and the situation escalates.

What can parents do instead?

First, let’s look at the long-term goals. Children who feel competent in their ability to handle challenges are more successful in navigating the difficulties they encounter in life.  Therefore, our goal is to assist the child to acquire the necessary skills and to feel confident that they can endure the discomfort of anxiety.  The keys to doing this are:

1. Validate the child’s experience.

   Let them know that you see that they are having a hard time.  Empathize with them.

2. Demonstrate your confidence in their ability to handle the experience.

   This is done with both words and actions. 

These 2 parts are inseparable.  If one is done without the other, then the outcome is not the same.  Validating feelings, while continuing to accommodate, communicates to the child that you do not have confidence in their ability to cope. It maintains the dependence on others.  On the other hand, expressing confidence without acknowledging how the child feels sends the message that you “don’t get it” or that the child’s feelings are not important. 

Parents can impact their child’s anxiety by changing their own actions.

To demonstrate confidence in your child’s ability to handle anxiety, change the things that you do that communicates otherwise.  Develop a plan to reduce the accommodations that reinforce the anxiety.  The plan will be the actions you will or will not take, without requiring anything of the child. For example, “I will no longer go with you to the bathroom when we are at home”. 

Of course, this approach requires thoughtful consideration and planning for contingencies.  It must also consider the developmental needs of the child, the nature of the parent-child relationship, and other factors that may contribute to the success of the plan.  It is recommended that work with a trained professional to guide you through the process.  Click here for more information about this approach.