Throughout this series on childhood anxiety, I have discussed ways in which parents can support their child to successfully cope with anxiety. In this post, I will delve deeper into the special role that parents play. As mentioned in part 1, a parent’s instinct is to protect and comfort their child. The child also instinctively looks to the parent for comfort and protection. This works well unless you are dealing with an anxiety problem or disorder.
Why does the parent’s response matter?
Consider the toddler who stumbles and falls while learning to walk. That toddler will look to a trusted adult to determine the severity of the incident. If they are briefly comforted and encouraged to keep trying, they will do just that. If, however, the adult expresses distress the child’s distress will also increase. They may be hesitant to continue with this important developmental task. A parent’s response to an anxious child has a similar effect.
The Temporary Solution
Anxiety often involves avoidance of the thing that increases discomfort. For example, a child may refuse to go to a room in the house unless accompanied by someone. Some children become upset if left to fall asleep on their own. Others may refuse to go to school due to increased stress. The discomfort experienced by the child may be expressed by whining, somatic complaints (stomach aches, headaches), or tantrums. All of this is upsetting for a parent who wants to see their child calm and happy. The parent may reassure, cajole, bargain, and/or make accommodations to reduce the distress. These actions will temporarily soothe the child; however, they also serve to reinforce the anxiety. Take the example of the child who refuses to go to another room unless accompanied by someone. To calm the child, someone accommodates their request and goes with them. What is reinforced is that there is a reason to be anxious and the solution is to have someone with them. Each time an attempt is made to not accommodate the request, the child’s anxiety will increase, and the situation escalates.
What can parents do instead?
First, let’s look at the long-term goals. Children who feel competent in their ability to handle challenges are more successful in navigating the difficulties they encounter in life. Therefore, our goal is to assist the child to acquire the necessary skills and to feel confident that they can endure the discomfort of anxiety. The keys to doing this are:
Validate the child’s experience.
Let them know that you see that they are having a hard time. Empathize with them.
Demonstrate your confidence in their ability to handle the experience.
This is done with both words and actions.
These 2 parts are inseparable. If one is done without the other, then the outcome is not the same. Validating feelings, while continuing to accommodate, communicates to the child that you do not have confidence in their ability to cope. It maintains the dependence on others. On the other hand, expressing confidence without acknowledging how the child feels sends the message that you “don’t get it” or that the child’s feelings are not important.
Parents can impact their child’s anxiety by changing their own actions.
To demonstrate confidence in your child’s ability to handle anxiety, change the things that you do that communicates otherwise. Develop a plan to reduce the accommodations that reinforce the anxiety. The plan will be the actions you will or will not take, without requiring anything of the child. For example, “I will no longer go with you to the bathroom when we are at home”.
Of course, this approach requires thoughtful consideration and planning for contingencies. It must also consider the developmental needs of the child, the nature of the parent-child relationship, and other factors that may contribute to the success of the plan. It is recommended that work with a trained professional to guide you through the process. Click here for more information about this approach.