Parenting an anxious child can be challenging
It may be a meltdown when you are trying to get out the door, or the seemingly endless questions about what to expect at an event, or the refusal to go to school. In part 1 of this series, “Understanding Anxiety in Children”, I provided a brief overview of anxiety. Understanding anxiety is the first step in being able to help your child cope. In this post I will offer some practical suggestions about how parents can support an anxious child. As mentioned previously, our goal is not to eliminate anxiety. Instead, we want children to know they can be successful, despite feeling anxious.
1. Start with your own regulation.
Yes, parents need to start with the state of their own nervous system. A stressed, dysregulated parent cannot effectively soothe a dysregulated child. As you may have experienced before, the more stressed you become the more the situation escalates. Note that being regulated does not necessarily mean being calm. What it means is that you are aware of your own emotional state, and you are doing what you can to stay in control of your emotions. This may mean taking deep breaths, repeating a mantra to yourself, or briefly walking away (if appropriate). Verbalizing your own emotions can be helpful for you and for your child. It normalizes expressing feelings and gives your “logical brain” a chance to reengage. Practice self-compassion.
2. Validate feelings expressed.
Often children receive the message that the thing they are worried about is “not a big deal” or “there is no reason to be nervous”. The problem is this does not typically help their anxiety. Instead, they may experience shame, embarrassment, and do not feel safe expressing their feelings. Validate the emotions expressed, whether or not you think it is justified. Validation does not mean you agree. It means you are acknowledging that the child is having a hard time. It allows the child to feel seen and heard. Saying something like… “I see this is hard for you” may be all your child needs to know that you understand. If applicable, you may normalize the feeling with something like, “I would be nervous too.”
3. Offer encouragement.
Knowing the best way to support an anxious child can be tricky. There are things that we instinctively do, such as offer reassurance, that can reinforce the anxiety. Anxiety seeks certainty. Offering reassurance may soothe the anxious child for the moment, however it increases the likelihood that they will continue to seek this reassurance. Offer encouragement instead. After validating (see above), communicate to the child your confidence that they can handle the emotion. It may sound something like…” You got this!” or “I know you can handle this”. Sometimes a reminder of previous success helps to boost confidence.
4. Teach and model coping strategies.
Deep breathing, mindfulness practices, supportive mantras, and movement are some of the ways to manage anxiety. For younger children, practice these strategies frequently, and in a playful manner, to make them more accessible when needed. A regulated adult may still be needed to remind the child of the skill at the time anxiety is increasing. Encourage your child to notice changes in their body (muscle tension, “butterflies in the stomach”, increased heart rate, racing thoughts). This is their cue to start using a calming strategy. It is very effective for a child to see a parent managing their own emotions using the skills taught.
5. Create an environment that supports emotional regulation.
Anxiety increases when there is unpredictability, inconsistency, and lack of control. Establishing daily routines, such as regular mealtimes and bedtime, helps to increase a child’s sense of security. Offer age-appropriate choices so your child experiences control over some aspects of their life. Children are better able to manage emotional difficulties when they have adequate sleep, proper nutrition, and opportunities to release energy through play or other physical activity. Incorporate daily mindfulness practices that the family participates in. It may be 1 minute of mindful eating at dinner, going on a mindful walk, or doing yoga poses.
6. Seek Professional Support.
If your child's anxiety persists, or significantly impacts their daily life, consider seeking professional help. A mental health professional can identify the type of anxiety your child is experiencing and offer specialized, evidenced-based interventions that are developmentally appropriate.
Supporting an anxious child requires patience and understanding. It also requires attention to the state of the parent’s own emotional state. The key to the effectiveness of any strategy is establishing a relationship with your child where they feel safe and supported.