A Parent’s Guide to Giving Effective Instructions

Do you sometimes think…”my child doesn’t listen to me unless I am yelling!”. 

Here is a common communication pattern. The parent asks the child to do something, or to stop doing something. When there is no compliance, the command is repeated several times, with the parent’s frustration building. The yelling signals “the final straw”. What if I told you parents can inadvertently teach their child to comply only when there is yelling? The raised voice of the parent is the child’s cue that now their parent is “serious”.

The way a command is communicated impacts the likelihood of compliance.

  Let’s be clear.  The strategies below do not guarantee that your child will respond in the way you would like every time.  What happens overtime however, is a shift in communication patterns and an increase in peaceful interactions.  

Tips for giving effective commands

1. Adjust expectations to meet your child where they are in that moment.

Before giving instructions, ask yourself is…”is my child able to process the instructions at this time?”.  If your child is having big emotions, for example, then their brain may not be available to make sense of what is being said. A child’s ability to comply with instructions is also influenced by the state of their nervous system.  Are they tired, hungry, or not feeling well? Are they distracted? Are the instructions too complex for their developmental stage?

2. Ensure you have the child’s full attention.

Here is a typical scene. The parent is in the kitchen preparing dinner and the child is in another room watching television.  The parent shouts, “time to start homework!” and the child responds “Ok!”. Thirty minutes later the parent checks on the child and finds them still in front of the television. This sets the stage for another homework battle.  Here is what to do instead.  Pause the task you are doing and walk over to the child.  Get their full attention. This means they also pause what they are doing.  Sometimes a gently touch on the shoulder, or sitting next to them may be helpful.  Give the instructions and ask the child to repeat what was heard. 

3. Don’t give too many instructions at once.

When there are multiple tasks to be done, limit the number that is given each time.  Give your child a few seconds to process the instructions and then check for understanding.  Wait until the first set of tasks are completed before giving the next ones. The ability to hold things in memory varies based on developmental stage and other factors. Younger children, and those who are neurodivergent, may only be able to handle one command at a time.

4. Create a chore list.

The benefits of using chore list are many! The list may be with words (for children who can read) or pictures (for younger children).  The list helps to maintain consistency, clarifies expectations, and can give the child some autonomy to choose the order in which to complete their tasks.  In addition, having written instructions reduces the need for ongoing conversations when tone and body language may interfere with the message.

5. Don’t imply the child has a choice if they do not.

Sometimes parents are confused, or upset, when the question “Are you ready to clean up now?” is met with a resounding “No!”.  If you are in fact gauging the child’s readiness, then this question is perfect.  If, however, you actually mean it is time to cleanup, then making a direct, clear, and concise statement is more effective.  For example, “It is time to put the toys away now” or “In 10 minutes it will be time to get ready for bed”.  Of course, tone and body language are very important. A calm firm tone is recommended.

6. Be prepared to follow through.

Let’s face it, our children are not as motivated as we are to pick up their toys, clean their rooms, or take out the trash.  To avoid teaching your child that the instruction is optional, be prepared to follow through on seeing the action completed. Children know that parents may forget and so they simply wait it out. You may say to your child “I will check back in 10 minutes” and set a timer for yourself to follow up.

In Summary…

Developing the art of giving effective commands is important to improve compliance, and maintain a peaceful family environment. By incorporating clear communication, positive language, and developmentally appropriate instructions, you can create an environment where your child understands expectations and cooperates willingly. Giving effective commands not only guide behavior but also foster a positive parent-child relationship.

Unlocking the Power of Connection: A Guide to 'Special Time' with Your Child

In my work as a child therapist and parent coach, I get questions daily about how to help a child be more…

… cooperative

… resilient

… confident

… emotionally regulated

… motivated

… socially competent

…

The parent-child relationship is crucial.

Each circumstance is different. The parents and children involved have their unique experiences. The common thread, however, is the relationship.  A safe, supportive parent-child relationship is essential to improving your child’s emotional wellbeing and cooperation.  A strong sense of connection with important adults helps a child to develop a positive sense of self.  They internalize beliefs of being valued and being significant. This leads to more self-confidence, cooperation, social competence, and a host of other benefits.  Establishing a consistent, intentional time to strengthen the parent-child bond is what “special time” is all about.

What is “Special Time”?

Simply put, “special time” refers to time set aside to connect with your child.  For younger children (3-9 years old) it is sometimes called “special play time”.  Play is the primary “language” of young children. This designated time, just for them, provides the opportunity for the child to communicate their thoughts and feelings in a way that is natural to them. For older children and teenagers, this time of connection is still important, but it will look different.  Note that this time does not replace the time you currently have for family connection such as family game night or other activities.

Tips for establishing “Special Time”

 Do …

• Schedule a weekly time slot of about 20 – 30 minutes.

• Select a day and time when the child is most likely to be available for engagement with you.

• Label this time to make it even more special for the child.  For example, “Billy’s Time”.

• Declare the start and end of this special time.  Give a 5-minute warning before ending.

• Set aside a space away from distractions and with select toys (for younger children).

• Be fully present and plan ahead so you can eliminate interruptions.

• Let the child lead the play, conversation, or activity.  Join the child in their world.

• Engage in active listening and observing.  Reflect to the child what you see and hear.

• Set limits only when needed for safety.

Don’t …

• Correct what the child is doing.  This stifles creativity and self-expression.

• Use the time as an opportunity to teach. This takes the lead from the child and puts the parent in charge.

• Set unnecessary limits.  Structure the environment to allow the child expressive freedom.

• Use the special time as reward or eliminate it as punishment. 

• Answer phone calls or tend to other things.  This time is exclusively for the child.

Tips for Connecting with Older Children and Teens:

“Special time” can be modified to meet the connection needs of older children and teens.  Play may be more structured, for example board games or video games.  Instead of playing, it may be conversations about whatever they choose.  The premise is the same.  Join them where they are and let them lead the way. 

• Engage in a shared hobby or interest. For example, prepare a meal or work on a fun project together.

• Use time spent driving to/from activities. At least once per week, plan to turn off devices and talk.

• Expand bedtime routine to include time for connection.

• Offer to sit with them while they play a game or engage in something that interests them.  Be curious and open to learning from them.

Let teens know you are open to communicating anytime they need to.

Teens are sometimes reluctant to have regular engagement with parents, however they find comfort in knowing that they can when they need to.

Finding ways to strengthen the relationship with your child at various stages of development is important for their success.  It is also essential to building strong, resilient, and cooperative parent-child relationships.  Within the context of significant relationships, the child learns how to see themselves as valued, significant, and capable.   

Strategies That Build Life-Long Resilience in Anxious Children (Part 4 of 4)

Welcome to the final post in this series about childhood anxiety. In Understanding Anxiety in Children we defined anxiety and explained when it is helpful and when it can be problematic. 6 Strategies to Manage Childhood Anxiety outlined strategies to support the child in their goal of managing anxiety. In “The Special Role of Parents with Anxious Children” I discussed the special way that parents can positively impact their child’s anxiety, without requiring any action from the child.  In this post we will examine ways to build resilience so your child not only manages anxiety but can successfully cope with life’s uncertainties.

What does it mean to be resilient?

Resilience is generally defined as the ability to “bounce back” from adversity.  Often the person responds better than expected and appears to gain strength after the difficult experience. To do this requires adaptability, courage, and a belief in one’s ability to persevere. This is cultivated over time. Anxious children are at increased risk of developing poor self-concept, including doubt in their ability to cope.  Parents have the unique opportunity to foster qualities in their children to strengthen resilience.

Strategies to strengthen resilience over time.

1. Create a feeling of connection and belonging.

Children need consistent, supportive, caring relationships to internalize a positive sense of self.  These relationships facilitate a belief that they are valued and that their needs matter.  Children internalize a positive sense of self.  They develop the courage to take on challenges, knowing that they can return the “safe haven” of the relationship for support when needed. They feel confident in expressing their feelings because the feedback they receive is that their feelings are important, and someone is listening.  The beauty of this is that the relationship does not have to be perfect.  The sense of connection is strengthened when inevitable missteps or mis-attunements are addressed, and the relationship is repaired.

2. Encourage a sense of competence.

Children thrive when they are encouraged to make age-appropriate decisions.  Offer opportunities for your child to make choices, and honor those choices.  Even when setting a limit, it is possible to incorporate options for your child.  For example, “You may not have candy, however you may choose an apple or a banana”.  Engage in problem solving discussions.  Seek your child’s help in solving recurring issues.  This may be talking about the bedtime routine to reduce pushback, or a better way to organize schoolwork to reduce missing assignments.  These conversations increase your child’s confidence in themselves.

3. Celebrate effort, not just achievement.

It is exciting when your child achieves a goal.  We celebrate, for example, when the anxious child can join in and play with peers without being prompted.  However, what if they only take 1 step towards the group and then retreat?  That is a step towards the ultimate goal, and it must be acknowledged. Celebrating effort helps you and your child to focus on progress. It encourages persistence and reinforces the belief that growth is occurring.  When setbacks occur in the future, the child can draw on the past experience to find courage to keep trying.

4. Strengthen emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to understand one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others.  It includes the capacity to regulate and communicate emotions and having empathy for others.  Someone with strong emotional intelligence takes responsibility for their own actions while maintaining a healthy self-concept.  Expand your child’s feelings vocabulary by verbalizing your own emotions.  When necessary, help them to name the feelings they are having.  Increase awareness by describing changes in facial expression and body language that is a clue to what they are feeling.  Model appropriate emotional regulation and help them to learn ways to regulate their own. 

5. Maintain a family lifestyle that supports resilience.

In 6 Strategies to Manage Childhood Anxiety, I talked about how sleep, nutrition, and physical activity help with emotional regulation, and therefore with the ability to manage anxiety. A 4th component is establishing strong, supportive relationships with extended family, peers, or others in the community.  This provides an additional layer of support that is often needed when coping with anxiety.  Normalize healthy habits so it becomes integral to the family.  Explain the benefits in an age-appropriate way and continue emphasizing this as your child develops. 

Parenting a child with anxiety can be challenging at times.  It requires patience, flexibility, and compassion.  By considering both the short-term (immediate) objectives, and the long-term goals for your child, you can equip them with the tools for life-long success.

The Special Role of Parents with Anxious Children (Part 3 of 4)

Throughout this series on childhood anxiety, I have discussed ways in which parents can support their child to successfully cope with anxiety.  In this post, I will delve deeper into the special role that parents play.  As mentioned in part 1, a parent’s instinct is to protect and comfort their child.  The child also instinctively looks to the parent for comfort and protection.  This works well unless you are dealing with an anxiety problem or disorder.

Why does the parent’s response matter?

Consider the toddler who stumbles and falls while learning to walk.  That toddler will look to a trusted adult to determine the severity of the incident.  If they are briefly comforted and encouraged to keep trying, they will do just that.  If, however, the adult expresses distress the child’s distress will also increase.  They may be hesitant to continue with this important developmental task.  A parent’s response to an anxious child has a similar effect.

The Temporary Solution

Anxiety often involves avoidance of the thing that increases discomfort. For example, a child may refuse to go to a room in the house unless accompanied by someone. Some children become upset if left to fall asleep on their own. Others may refuse to go to school due to increased stress. The discomfort experienced by the child may be expressed by whining, somatic complaints (stomach aches, headaches), or tantrums.  All of this is upsetting for a parent who wants to see their child calm and happy.  The parent may reassure, cajole, bargain, and/or make accommodations to reduce the distress.  These actions will temporarily soothe the child; however, they also serve to reinforce the anxiety.  Take the example of the child who refuses to go to another room unless accompanied by someone.  To calm the child, someone accommodates their request and goes with them.  What is reinforced is that there is a reason to be anxious and the solution is to have someone with them.  Each time an attempt is made to not accommodate the request, the child’s anxiety will increase, and the situation escalates.

What can parents do instead?

First, let’s look at the long-term goals. Children who feel competent in their ability to handle challenges are more successful in navigating the difficulties they encounter in life.  Therefore, our goal is to assist the child to acquire the necessary skills and to feel confident that they can endure the discomfort of anxiety.  The keys to doing this are:

1. Validate the child’s experience.

   Let them know that you see that they are having a hard time.  Empathize with them.

2. Demonstrate your confidence in their ability to handle the experience.

   This is done with both words and actions. 

These 2 parts are inseparable.  If one is done without the other, then the outcome is not the same.  Validating feelings, while continuing to accommodate, communicates to the child that you do not have confidence in their ability to cope. It maintains the dependence on others.  On the other hand, expressing confidence without acknowledging how the child feels sends the message that you “don’t get it” or that the child’s feelings are not important. 

Parents can impact their child’s anxiety by changing their own actions.

To demonstrate confidence in your child’s ability to handle anxiety, change the things that you do that communicates otherwise.  Develop a plan to reduce the accommodations that reinforce the anxiety.  The plan will be the actions you will or will not take, without requiring anything of the child. For example, “I will no longer go with you to the bathroom when we are at home”. 

Of course, this approach requires thoughtful consideration and planning for contingencies.  It must also consider the developmental needs of the child, the nature of the parent-child relationship, and other factors that may contribute to the success of the plan.  It is recommended that work with a trained professional to guide you through the process.  Click here for more information about this approach.

6 Strategies to Manage Childhood Anxiety (Part 2 of 4)

 Parenting an anxious child can be challenging

It may be a meltdown when you are trying to get out the door, or the seemingly endless questions about what to expect at an event, or the refusal to go to school.  In part 1 of this series, “Understanding Anxiety in Children”, I provided a brief overview of anxiety.  Understanding anxiety is the first step in being able to help your child cope.   In this post I will offer some practical suggestions about how parents can support an anxious child.  As mentioned previously, our goal is not to eliminate anxiety.  Instead, we want children to know they can be successful, despite feeling anxious.

1. Start with your own regulation.

Yes, parents need to start with the state of their own nervous system.  A stressed, dysregulated parent cannot effectively soothe a dysregulated child. As you may have experienced before, the more stressed you become the more the situation escalates. Note that being regulated does not necessarily mean being calm.  What it means is that you are aware of your own emotional state, and you are doing what you can to stay in control of your emotions.  This may mean taking deep breaths, repeating a mantra to yourself, or briefly walking away (if appropriate).  Verbalizing your own emotions can be helpful for you and for your child.  It normalizes expressing feelings and gives your “logical brain” a chance to reengage.  Practice self-compassion.

2. Validate feelings expressed.

Often children receive the message that the thing they are worried about is “not a big deal” or “there is no reason to be nervous”.  The problem is this does not typically help their anxiety.  Instead, they may experience shame, embarrassment, and do not feel safe expressing their feelings.  Validate the emotions expressed, whether or not you think it is justified.  Validation does not mean you agree.  It means you are acknowledging that the child is having a hard time.  It allows the child to feel seen and heard.  Saying something like… “I see this is hard for you” may be all your child needs to know that you understand.  If applicable, you may normalize the feeling with something like, “I would be nervous too.”

 3. Offer encouragement.

Knowing the best way to support an anxious child can be tricky.  There are things that we instinctively do, such as offer reassurance, that can reinforce the anxiety.  Anxiety seeks certainty. Offering reassurance may soothe the anxious child for the moment, however it increases the likelihood that they will continue to seek this reassurance.  Offer encouragement instead.  After validating (see above), communicate to the child your confidence that they can handle the emotion.  It may sound something like…” You got this!” or “I know you can handle this”.  Sometimes a reminder of previous success helps to boost confidence.

  4. Teach and model coping strategies.

Deep breathing, mindfulness practices, supportive mantras, and movement are some of the ways to manage anxiety.  For younger children, practice these strategies frequently, and in a playful manner, to make them more accessible when needed.  A regulated adult may still be needed to remind the child of the skill at the time anxiety is increasing.  Encourage your child to notice changes in their body (muscle tension, “butterflies in the stomach”, increased heart rate, racing thoughts).  This is their cue to start using a calming strategy.  It is very effective for a child to see a parent managing their own emotions using the skills taught. 

 5. Create an environment that supports emotional regulation.

Anxiety increases when there is unpredictability, inconsistency, and lack of control. Establishing daily routines, such as regular mealtimes and bedtime, helps to increase a child’s sense of security.  Offer age-appropriate choices so your child experiences control over some aspects of their life.   Children are better able to manage emotional difficulties when they have adequate sleep, proper nutrition, and opportunities to release energy through play or other physical activity.  Incorporate daily mindfulness practices that the family participates in.  It may be 1 minute of mindful eating at dinner, going on a mindful walk, or doing yoga poses.

 6. Seek Professional Support.

If your child's anxiety persists, or significantly impacts their daily life, consider seeking professional help. A mental health professional can identify the type of anxiety your child is experiencing and offer specialized, evidenced-based interventions that are developmentally appropriate.  

 Supporting an anxious child requires patience and understanding. It also requires attention to the state of the parent’s own emotional state.  The key to the effectiveness of any strategy is establishing a relationship with your child where they feel safe and supported.