What is active listening?

Active listening is more than simply hearing what the other person says. It is being fully engaged with the speaker. It is listening to understand, rather than listening to respond. It requires putting aside judgement.

Here are some ways to engage in active listening:

Be present. Ideally, important conversations should occur where there are no distractions. Avoid multi-tasking. This may mean requesting to delay the conversation while you complete a task or find an appropriate place. You may say something like… “What you have to say is very important, and I want to give you my full attention. Please give me a few minutes to finish what I am doing”.

Show genuine interest. This is done both verbally and non-verbally. Turn towards the speaker, maintain comfortable eye contact, and use facial expressions to communicate your interest.

Reflect and clarify. Repeat or paraphrase what you heard. Ask clarifying questions and check that you understand correctly.

Thank the person for telling you what they did. This can be difficult, especially for children, who may be apprehensive about the response.

Invite complete sharing. Ask if there is anything else they would like to say. This demonstrates that you are able to handle what is being said and you are open to hearing more. Continue reflecting, clarifying, and inviting until the person is satisfied that they have told you everything that they wanted to.

Validating does not mean agreeing!

Many of us struggle with the idea of validating feelings when what is being expressed appears illogical, unnecessary, and/or excessive. This is especially true when a child exhibits big feelings. We are concerned that by saying “I understand” it means we are agreeing with the behavior being displayed. Worse, we fear that we may be encouraging more of the same!

Validating feelings is simply letting the child know that they are seen and heard. It offers a sense of safety and acceptance. This is an important ingredient to achieve regulation. When our emotions are dismissed or ignored, it does not cause them to disappear forever. In fact, often it leads to more frequent or more intense outbursts. Note that it is also important to validate our own feelings, even when we are not proud of having those feelings. Acknowledging and accepting our own feelings allows us the space to cope more effectively.

Validating includes:

Acknowledging the feeling.

Acceptance (that the feeling is happening).

Expressing empathy about the experience that the person is having.

Being non-judgmental

Allowing the emotion to be experienced without immediately attempting to problem solve.

Active listening and validation allow your child, and indeed everyone, to feel valued and understood. This approach encourages open communication and provides the opportunity for problem solving. It creates an experience of relational safety that is fundamental to strengthening connection.

Do you sometimes think…”my child doesn’t listen to me unless I am yelling!”.

Here is a common communication pattern. The parent asks the child to do something, or to stop doing something. When there is no compliance, the command is repeated several times, with the parent’s frustration building. The yelling signals “the final straw”. What if I told you parents can inadvertently teach their child to comply only when there is yelling? The raised voice of the parent is the child’s cue that now their parent is “serious”.

The way a command is communicated impacts the likelihood of compliance.

Let’s be clear. The strategies below do not guarantee that your child will respond in the way you would like every time. What happens overtime however, is a shift in communication patterns and an increase in peaceful interactions.

Tips for giving effective commands

Adjust expectations to meet your child where they are in that moment.

Before giving instructions, ask yourself is…”is my child able to process the instructions at this time?”. If your child is having big emotions, for example, then their brain may not be available to make sense of what is being said. A child’s ability to comply with instructions is also influenced by the state of their nervous system. Are they tired, hungry, or not feeling well? Are they distracted? Are the instructions too complex for their developmental stage?

2. Ensure you have the child’s full attention.

Here is a typical scene. The parent is in the kitchen preparing dinner and the child is in another room watching television. The parent shouts, “time to start homework!” and the child responds “Ok!”. Thirty minutes later the parent checks on the child and finds them still in front of the television. This sets the stage for another homework battle. Here is what to do instead. Pause the task you are doing and walk over to the child. Get their full attention. This means they also pause what they are doing. Sometimes a gently touch on the shoulder, or sitting next to them may be helpful. Give the instructions and ask the child to repeat what was heard.

3. Don’t give too many instructions at once.

When there are multiple tasks to be done, limit the number that is given each time. Give your child a few seconds to process the instructions and then check for understanding. Wait until the first set of tasks are completed before giving the next ones. The ability to hold things in memory varies based on developmental stage and other factors. Younger children, and those who are neurodivergent, may only be able to handle one command at a time.

4. Create a chore list.

The benefits of using chore list are many! The list may be with words (for children who can read) or pictures (for younger children). The list helps to maintain consistency, clarifies expectations, and can give the child some autonomy to choose the order in which to complete their tasks. In addition, having written instructions reduces the need for ongoing conversations when tone and body language may interfere with the message.

5. Don’t imply the child has a choice if they do not.

Sometimes parents are confused, or upset, when the question “Are you ready to clean up now?” is met with a resounding “No!”. If you are in fact gauging the child’s readiness, then this question is perfect. If, however, you actually mean it is time to cleanup, then making a direct, clear, and concise statement is more effective. For example, “It is time to put the toys away now” or “In 10 minutes it will be time to get ready for bed”. Of course, tone and body language are very important. A calm firm tone is recommended.

6. Be prepared to follow through.

Let’s face it, our children are not as motivated as we are to pick up their toys, clean their rooms, or take out the trash. To avoid teaching your child that the instruction is optional, be prepared to follow through on seeing the action completed. Children know that parents may forget and so they simply wait it out. You may say to your child “I will check back in 10 minutes” and set a timer for yourself to follow up.

In Summary…

Developing the art of giving effective commands is important to improve compliance, and maintain a peaceful family environment. By incorporating clear communication, positive language, and developmentally appropriate instructions, you can create an environment where your child understands expectations and cooperates willingly. Giving effective commands not only guide behavior but also foster a positive parent-child relationship.

Nurturing Connection Through Active Listening & Validation