Do you sometimes think…”my child doesn’t listen to me unless I am yelling!”.
Here is a common communication pattern. The parent asks the child to do something, or to stop doing something. When there is no compliance, the command is repeated several times, with the parent’s frustration building. The yelling signals “the final straw”. What if I told you parents can inadvertently teach their child to comply only when there is yelling? The raised voice of the parent is the child’s cue that now their parent is “serious”.
The way a command is communicated impacts the likelihood of compliance.
Let’s be clear. The strategies below do not guarantee that your child will respond in the way you would like every time. What happens overtime however, is a shift in communication patterns and an increase in peaceful interactions.
Tips for giving effective commands
Adjust expectations to meet your child where they are in that moment.
Before giving instructions, ask yourself is…”is my child able to process the instructions at this time?”. If your child is having big emotions, for example, then their brain may not be available to make sense of what is being said. A child’s ability to comply with instructions is also influenced by the state of their nervous system. Are they tired, hungry, or not feeling well? Are they distracted? Are the instructions too complex for their developmental stage?
2. Ensure you have the child’s full attention.
Here is a typical scene. The parent is in the kitchen preparing dinner and the child is in another room watching television. The parent shouts, “time to start homework!” and the child responds “Ok!”. Thirty minutes later the parent checks on the child and finds them still in front of the television. This sets the stage for another homework battle. Here is what to do instead. Pause the task you are doing and walk over to the child. Get their full attention. This means they also pause what they are doing. Sometimes a gently touch on the shoulder, or sitting next to them may be helpful. Give the instructions and ask the child to repeat what was heard.
3. Don’t give too many instructions at once.
When there are multiple tasks to be done, limit the number that is given each time. Give your child a few seconds to process the instructions and then check for understanding. Wait until the first set of tasks are completed before giving the next ones. The ability to hold things in memory varies based on developmental stage and other factors. Younger children, and those who are neurodivergent, may only be able to handle one command at a time.
4. Create a chore list.
The benefits of using chore list are many! The list may be with words (for children who can read) or pictures (for younger children). The list helps to maintain consistency, clarifies expectations, and can give the child some autonomy to choose the order in which to complete their tasks. In addition, having written instructions reduces the need for ongoing conversations when tone and body language may interfere with the message.
5. Don’t imply the child has a choice if they do not.
Sometimes parents are confused, or upset, when the question “Are you ready to clean up now?” is met with a resounding “No!”. If you are in fact gauging the child’s readiness, then this question is perfect. If, however, you actually mean it is time to cleanup, then making a direct, clear, and concise statement is more effective. For example, “It is time to put the toys away now” or “In 10 minutes it will be time to get ready for bed”. Of course, tone and body language are very important. A calm firm tone is recommended.
6. Be prepared to follow through.
Let’s face it, our children are not as motivated as we are to pick up their toys, clean their rooms, or take out the trash. To avoid teaching your child that the instruction is optional, be prepared to follow through on seeing the action completed. Children know that parents may forget and so they simply wait it out. You may say to your child “I will check back in 10 minutes” and set a timer for yourself to follow up.
In Summary…
Developing the art of giving effective commands is important to improve compliance, and maintain a peaceful family environment. By incorporating clear communication, positive language, and developmentally appropriate instructions, you can create an environment where your child understands expectations and cooperates willingly. Giving effective commands not only guide behavior but also foster a positive parent-child relationship.