Sometimes It's OK If Your Child Is Not OK
In my work with children and teens, I have noticed a low tolerance for uncomfortable or difficult emotions. Many of my child-clients believe that it is “bad” to feel bored, sad, frustrated, or anxious. Their desire is to avoid those emotions at all costs. It made me wonder about the messages they are receiving about emotions. There are so many distractions geared towards avoiding uncomfortable feelings and promoting being “happy”. In this post I will talk about why it is important to allow our children to experience a range of emotions.
It is natural to want to shield our children from discomfort.
When a child is upset, parents often experience distress themselves. They are instinctively motivated to solve the problem, or to offer comfort. There are times however when allowing the child to navigate the challenge on their own can be beneficial. Parents can offer support without rescuing.
Emotions provide information.
The thoughts, feelings, and body sensations that we have in any given situation give us information about what we like (and want more of), or what we do not like (and want to be different). Noticing and acknowledging the emotion enhances emotional intelligence. Realizing that we can get through an unpleasant experience strengthens resilience. Developing solutions to problems increases our sense of competence. All this helps us to internalize a positive self-concept and a belief in our ability to handle challenges.
Natural consequences can be a powerful teacher.
A natural consequence occurs as a result of an action. It is not imposed by anyone. For example, if you go outside without a coat when it is cold, you will feel cold. Contrast this to a logical consequence that may be imposed by a parent. For example, if the rules for device usage are not followed, then the child loses access to the device for a period of time. Natural consequences offer the opportunity for growth. A teen who did not study for a test may find that they do not know the answers, and so receive a low grade. This lesson occurs during the natural course of events.
Parents sometimes find it difficult to allow natural consequences to play out.
There is not an exact formula to decide when to protect your child from natural consequences and when to allow them to experience the opportunity to learn. Of course, if there is a safety issue then the parent must take action to keep the child safe. Developmental age should also be considered. An elementary aged child, for example, will need more assistance to plan and organize a school project than a teenager will. Think of the long-term character traits and values that you want your child to develop. Contrast this with the short-term discomfort that may result from allowing a natural consequence to occur. I wish to rephrase the notion of “allowing our child to fail” to “allowing our child to learn”.
Tips for supporting without rescuing:
Be aware of your own tolerance for uncomfortable emotions – A child’s difficult emotions can stir up various thoughts and feelings in a parent. It may remind you of a difficult time in your own childhood. Some parents will even question their effectiveness as a parent. This can cause the parent to rush too quickly to fix the problem, rather than provide support and allow the child to find a solution.
Engage in active listening – Sometimes all a child needs is to know that someone cares and understands what they are going through. Allow the child to express their feelings without immediately offering solutions. Validate feelings expressed.
Normalize having uncomfortable feelings – Children need to know that it is normal to experience a range of emotions. It is their system’s way of giving them information about their inner world as well as the environment they are in. Tell them that, like a wave, feelings rise and fall.
Teach problem solving skills – When appropriate, get the child’s thoughts on how to solve the problem. Offer guidance and support. Demonstrate your confidence in their ability by allowing age-appropriate autonomy to try their ideas. Normalize making mistakes and learning from those mistakes.
Model and teach healthy coping skills – Let your child see how you handle difficult emotions. Verbalize feelings as well as your plan to deal with the situation. It can be helpful for them to hear stories about how you handled a similar situation in the past. Deep breathing, mindfulness, and physical activity are helpful to improve emotional regulation.
The instinct to protect our children from pain is understandable, however allowing them to navigate challenges independently builds resilience, confidence, and a positive self-concept. Parents can offer support and encouragement, while allowing the child to develop life-long skills. Remember, sometimes it's okay if your child is not okay; it's in those moments that they discover their own strength and resilience.