Nurturing Connection Through Active Listening & Validation

We know the value of fostering connection with our children.  A secure, connected relationship helps children internalize a positive self-concept and helps them to build strong, supportive connections with others.  Inherent in a secure relationship is a felt sense of safety.  A sense of feeling seeing, heard, and accepted.  Let’s talk about how active listening and validation are essential components of strengthening connection. 

What is active listening?

Active listening is more than simply hearing what the other person says.  It is being fully engaged with the speaker.  It is listening to understand, rather than listening to respond.  It requires putting aside judgement.

Here are some ways to engage in active listening:

• Be present.  Ideally, important conversations should occur where there are no distractions.  Avoid multi-tasking.  This may mean requesting to delay the conversation while you complete a task or find an appropriate place.  You may say something like… “What you have to say is very important, and I want to give you my full attention. Please give me a few minutes to finish what I am doing”. 

• Show genuine interest.  This is done both verbally and non-verbally.  Turn towards the speaker, maintain comfortable eye contact, and use facial expressions to communicate your interest.

• Reflect and clarify. Repeat or paraphrase what you heard.  Ask clarifying questions and check that you understand correctly. 

• Thank the person for telling you what they did. This can be difficult, especially for children, who may be apprehensive about the response. 

• Invite complete sharing. Ask if there is anything else they would like to say. This demonstrates that you are able to handle what is being said and you are open to hearing more.  Continue reflecting, clarifying, and inviting until the person is satisfied that they have told you everything that they wanted to.

Validating does not mean agreeing!

Many of us struggle with the idea of validating feelings when what is being expressed appears illogical, unnecessary, and/or excessive.  This is especially true when a child exhibits big feelings. We are concerned that by saying “I understand” it means we are agreeing with the behavior being displayed.  Worse, we fear that we may be encouraging more of the same!

Validating feelings is simply letting the child know that they are seen and heard.  It offers a sense of safety and acceptance.  This is an important ingredient to achieve regulation.  When our emotions are dismissed or ignored, it does not cause them to disappear forever.  In fact, often it leads to more frequent or more intense outbursts.  Note that it is also important to validate our own feelings, even when we are not proud of having those feelings.  Acknowledging and accepting our own feelings allows us the space to cope more effectively. 

Validating includes:

• Acknowledging the feeling.

• Acceptance (that the feeling is happening).

• Expressing empathy about the experience that the person is having.

• Being non-judgmental

• Allowing the emotion to be experienced without immediately attempting to problem solve.

Active listening and validation allow your child, and indeed everyone, to feel valued and understood. This approach encourages open communication and provides the opportunity for problem solving.   It creates an experience of relational safety that is fundamental to strengthening connection.

Unlocking the Power of Connection: A Guide to 'Special Time' with Your Child

In my work as a child therapist and parent coach, I get questions daily about how to help a child be more…

… cooperative

… resilient

… confident

… emotionally regulated

… motivated

… socially competent

…

The parent-child relationship is crucial.

Each circumstance is different. The parents and children involved have their unique experiences. The common thread, however, is the relationship.  A safe, supportive parent-child relationship is essential to improving your child’s emotional wellbeing and cooperation.  A strong sense of connection with important adults helps a child to develop a positive sense of self.  They internalize beliefs of being valued and being significant. This leads to more self-confidence, cooperation, social competence, and a host of other benefits.  Establishing a consistent, intentional time to strengthen the parent-child bond is what “special time” is all about.

What is “Special Time”?

Simply put, “special time” refers to time set aside to connect with your child.  For younger children (3-9 years old) it is sometimes called “special play time”.  Play is the primary “language” of young children. This designated time, just for them, provides the opportunity for the child to communicate their thoughts and feelings in a way that is natural to them. For older children and teenagers, this time of connection is still important, but it will look different.  Note that this time does not replace the time you currently have for family connection such as family game night or other activities.

Tips for establishing “Special Time”

 Do …

• Schedule a weekly time slot of about 20 – 30 minutes.

• Select a day and time when the child is most likely to be available for engagement with you.

• Label this time to make it even more special for the child.  For example, “Billy’s Time”.

• Declare the start and end of this special time.  Give a 5-minute warning before ending.

• Set aside a space away from distractions and with select toys (for younger children).

• Be fully present and plan ahead so you can eliminate interruptions.

• Let the child lead the play, conversation, or activity.  Join the child in their world.

• Engage in active listening and observing.  Reflect to the child what you see and hear.

• Set limits only when needed for safety.

Don’t …

• Correct what the child is doing.  This stifles creativity and self-expression.

• Use the time as an opportunity to teach. This takes the lead from the child and puts the parent in charge.

• Set unnecessary limits.  Structure the environment to allow the child expressive freedom.

• Use the special time as reward or eliminate it as punishment. 

• Answer phone calls or tend to other things.  This time is exclusively for the child.

Tips for Connecting with Older Children and Teens:

“Special time” can be modified to meet the connection needs of older children and teens.  Play may be more structured, for example board games or video games.  Instead of playing, it may be conversations about whatever they choose.  The premise is the same.  Join them where they are and let them lead the way. 

• Engage in a shared hobby or interest. For example, prepare a meal or work on a fun project together.

• Use time spent driving to/from activities. At least once per week, plan to turn off devices and talk.

• Expand bedtime routine to include time for connection.

• Offer to sit with them while they play a game or engage in something that interests them.  Be curious and open to learning from them.

Let teens know you are open to communicating anytime they need to.

Teens are sometimes reluctant to have regular engagement with parents, however they find comfort in knowing that they can when they need to.

Finding ways to strengthen the relationship with your child at various stages of development is important for their success.  It is also essential to building strong, resilient, and cooperative parent-child relationships.  Within the context of significant relationships, the child learns how to see themselves as valued, significant, and capable.