Welcome to the final post in this series about childhood anxiety. In Understanding Anxiety in Children we defined anxiety and explained when it is helpful and when it can be problematic. 6 Strategies to Manage Childhood Anxiety outlined strategies to support the child in their goal of managing anxiety. In “The Special Role of Parents with Anxious Children” I discussed the special way that parents can positively impact their child’s anxiety, without requiring any action from the child. In this post we will examine ways to build resilience so your child not only manages anxiety but can successfully cope with life’s uncertainties.
What does it mean to be resilient?
Resilience is generally defined as the ability to “bounce back” from adversity. Often the person responds better than expected and appears to gain strength after the difficult experience. To do this requires adaptability, courage, and a belief in one’s ability to persevere. This is cultivated over time. Anxious children are at increased risk of developing poor self-concept, including doubt in their ability to cope. Parents have the unique opportunity to foster qualities in their children to strengthen resilience.
Strategies to strengthen resilience over time.
Create a feeling of connection and belonging.
Children need consistent, supportive, caring relationships to internalize a positive sense of self. These relationships facilitate a belief that they are valued and that their needs matter. Children internalize a positive sense of self. They develop the courage to take on challenges, knowing that they can return the “safe haven” of the relationship for support when needed. They feel confident in expressing their feelings because the feedback they receive is that their feelings are important, and someone is listening. The beauty of this is that the relationship does not have to be perfect. The sense of connection is strengthened when inevitable missteps or mis-attunements are addressed, and the relationship is repaired.
2. Encourage a sense of competence.
Children thrive when they are encouraged to make age-appropriate decisions. Offer opportunities for your child to make choices, and honor those choices. Even when setting a limit, it is possible to incorporate options for your child. For example, “You may not have candy, however you may choose an apple or a banana”. Engage in problem solving discussions. Seek your child’s help in solving recurring issues. This may be talking about the bedtime routine to reduce pushback, or a better way to organize schoolwork to reduce missing assignments. These conversations increase your child’s confidence in themselves.
3. Celebrate effort, not just achievement.
It is exciting when your child achieves a goal. We celebrate, for example, when the anxious child can join in and play with peers without being prompted. However, what if they only take 1 step towards the group and then retreat? That is a step towards the ultimate goal, and it must be acknowledged. Celebrating effort helps you and your child to focus on progress. It encourages persistence and reinforces the belief that growth is occurring. When setbacks occur in the future, the child can draw on the past experience to find courage to keep trying.
4. Strengthen emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to understand one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. It includes the capacity to regulate and communicate emotions and having empathy for others. Someone with strong emotional intelligence takes responsibility for their own actions while maintaining a healthy self-concept. Expand your child’s feelings vocabulary by verbalizing your own emotions. When necessary, help them to name the feelings they are having. Increase awareness by describing changes in facial expression and body language that is a clue to what they are feeling. Model appropriate emotional regulation and help them to learn ways to regulate their own.
5. Maintain a family lifestyle that supports resilience.
In 6 Strategies to Manage Childhood Anxiety, I talked about how sleep, nutrition, and physical activity help with emotional regulation, and therefore with the ability to manage anxiety. A 4th component is establishing strong, supportive relationships with extended family, peers, or others in the community. This provides an additional layer of support that is often needed when coping with anxiety. Normalize healthy habits so it becomes integral to the family. Explain the benefits in an age-appropriate way and continue emphasizing this as your child develops.
Parenting a child with anxiety can be challenging at times. It requires patience, flexibility, and compassion. By considering both the short-term (immediate) objectives, and the long-term goals for your child, you can equip them with the tools for life-long success.