“Relationships are the agents of change.”
When your child is having a meltdown perhaps the last thing on your mind is “connecting” with him or her. You may be attempting to get your child out the door...or to bed...or to finish homework. Often you are just trying to keep it together yourself. First, take a deep breath. Your ability to be calm is essential to getting things back on track.
The motivation to cooperate and comply emerges in the context of relationships. It is in the give-and-take of interactions with significant people in their lives that children develop a sense of self, others and the world. Children who feel safe and regulated are more open to cooperating and engaging in prosocial behaviors. If the nervous system is engaged in the “fight or flight” response the child is unable to fully process directives and instructions. When emotions are high the thinking part of the brain is not the part running the show. As Landreth & Bratton (2006) put it, you would not try to teach a drowning child how to swim.
Here are some suggestions to reconnect with your child so that he or she is more receptive
Check your own arousal level. If you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, take a moment to soothe yourself. Your ability to co-regulate with your child is essential for returning to calm. This is especially true for younger children who have not fully developed their own ability to manage emotions.
Acknowledge the emotions being expressed. Giving the emotion a name is a powerful way to assist your child in verbalizing her feelings. It provides a vocabulary for her. It also begins to re-engage the “thinking brain”. For example, you may say, “I see that you are frustrated”.
Reflect back what she says. Do this in a non-judgmental manner - “This math homework is really hard for you.” You are not agreeing or disagreeing. This is simply to help her feel heard.
Use gentle touch if your child responds well to that. Touch provides sensory input that aids in regulating the nervous system. This may be putting your hand gently on the shoulder, a soft back rub, or a pat on the head. For children who prefer not to be touched, being close by is sufficient. Others do better with time alone so allow that time. Regardless of the preference, you aim is to let her know “I am here for you”.
Wait for your child to be calm before reengaging in the discussion, giving more instructions or attempting to problem solve. She may attempt to start negotiations in the midst of the upset. This often leads to re-escalation of emotions or capitulation by the parent. Neither of which is desirable. Gently redirect your attention to helping her calm down, instead of responding to requests, threats or compromises. For example, you may say, “Let’s wait for you to feel calmer before talking about that”.
Parents are sometimes hesitant to connect and soothe because they do not want to appear as if they are “giving in”. This is not the case. You can successfully convey to your child that she is being heard, even while maintaining limits and boundaries. Conveying the message “I see you and I hear you what you are saying” is sometimes all that is needed for a child to resume cooperation. In other instances, it is a necessary step in the journey of helping your child to improve self-regulation.